Ernie Existential

Meandering Nobody

2010 present

Anytown, USA

Café Dweller

Responsible for occupying the table near the window. Order mochas three times a week, every week. Pretend to be okay with where all the time went.

Sept 1990 Feb 2002

Parents' House

Big Toe Stubber

It may not seem like a watershed moment for those of you reading this, but the pain I felt in my left foot's big toe was noteworthy during these twelve years.

Mar 1980 Apr 1989

Various Couches

Executive Snacker⁄Sleep Coordinator

Mastered the art of snacking on an extreme budget. Made thick cheese sandwiches in complete darkness on several occasions. Achieved elite status in being able to sleep soundly while housemates got ready for work.

Jun 1962 Feb 1979

Crustville, AK

Soil Artist

Prepared bags of generic "happy feed" for the lawns of the wealthy. Developed lasting resentment for outdoor work and the wealthy.

Special Skills

High-school level Spanish speaker
Capable of imagining my own perfect body without exercising
I kind of like them.
My mother insisted I add this. Ladies?


  • Laser Tag
  • Arcade Golfing
  • Sitting

Ernie, your mom and I are really concerned about your future.


References available if I had them.